Relationship Advice … here it is my catharsis. I am putting my advice on a web page to avoid the issues that arise when I give advice to people who evidently never really wanted it, or who don’t agree with it and don’t want to hear about it. I find generally people ask for advice for the sole purpose of not following it or to have someone to blame later on. My giving advice, both solicited and otherwise has led to fights and even break-up’s between myself and my friends and even a significant other or two.

Sometimes my advice is wrong. No doubt. But often times I’m write, especially when I’m not in the relationship that I’m giving advice about.

Men are from where? Women are … you’ve got to be kidding. Well maybe. I mean well I’ve never been there. It would explain some things. Have you ever spoken to a woman and simply wondered if they heard all the words that you said or did they hear maybe every third word if that? And then they spit back the meaning to what you just said and you’re sitting there going “What?”

I remember my ex wanted space. Actually she wasn’t really sure what she wanted, and finally I said ok, well you take your time and if you decide you want to come back then come back and if you never want to talk to me again that’s ok too. She said I was cutting her out of my life and was mad at me. I said this is what you just said you wanted. She ignored that and simply repeated the accusation. I said it was the last thing I wanted, her to leave, but if that’s what she had to do, then I wanted her to do what she felt was best. That didn’t make her happy either. It was at that point that I realized that I may never understand women. That it may be a fruitless effort on my part to even try, but hey trying sure kills the monotony right? And along the way there can be some fun … and a lot of hurt. So let’s see if I can help any of you with my limited knowledge and advice.

One: TALK to each other. When you have a problem it really doesn’t help to tell 30 of your different friends, maybe one or two, just to talk about it, but not the neighborhood. The person you really need to talk to is that other person to one tell them that something is wrong. I had a friend tell me that her boyfriend was doing something that bothered her. I said “Well did you tell him.” “No, I don’t know how to say it. Or I don’t want to bring it up.” “But you’re saying you might want to break up with him because of it.” “Well he should know. I mean it’s obvious.” Really, then why is it so hard to bring up or say out loud. I mean if it’s so obvious you should talk about it. It’s sort of like having a dead body in the room. If it’s in the room with me and it’s obvious, I’m going to talk about it. Girls get this feeling that “if you understood me, you’d know what’s wrong.” And I think that’s really what we search for a lot of the time.

Growing up we had parents and such that knew us. They knew the toy we would want, our favorite food, when we were hungry. Then we became teenagers, and we changed so fast they didn’t know anymore, hell we didn’t know anymore. Then many of us went away to college and changed even more, without them there to watch us change. By the time we finish college I’m not sure many of us know what or who we are. As Kurt Vonnegut said, some of the most fascinating people I know still don’t know what they want to do. But we want someone else who knows us. We want that feeling of someone there who understands us, and we want them sexually alluring, because well we want sex too.

A note on this “it’s obvious” thing: I have totally missed opportunities to date girls that I really liked because they never thought to tell me how they felt because they felt it was “obvious.” Obviously, they were WRONG, and so if you can’t understand why this guy is not dealing with some issue that you think is so obvious, maybe you need to re-evaluate your logic.

In the end it is important to tell the other person what is wrong with the relationship and what is driving you insane or making you angry or what not. This goes for guys and girls.

Two: LISTEN to each other. It doesn’t help to talk to one another if the other person isn’t listening. So many people come to me telling me their problems, but they haven’t listened to the other person. For example a man might say “sure Linda is cute, but I love you.” Doh, he’s doomed. The girl may reply: “Oh so Linda is cuter than me. You know if you want to be with her, why don’t you just go out with her.” The problem is that the guy probably did not mean that, or he may have, let’s face it, but that’s not what he said. Talk and listen. When you talk to the other person tell them how you feel about what they’re doing, how it’s affecting you and then if you think they’re not getting it, have them explain to you how they think you’re feeling. If you hear what they think, then you can tell them if that’s accurately expresses what you’ve tried to say. And then let them explain how they feel and listen to that. Then comes number three.

Three: UNDERSTAND the other. Richard Bach wrote “Perspective, use it or lose it.” Well use it, and put yourself in their shoes, and see where they’re coming from and see if you can then understand why they are doing what they are doing. For example women can get mad when guys are looking at girlie magazines or other women, but generally they only really get mad when we don’t pay them any attention. If you don’t tell your partner that they are cute and that you love them and that they are the only person you want to be with … how are they going to know? Share with her/him your feelings. Tell them that you love them. Tell them that they’re the only person that you want to be with, and if they aren’t then why the hell are you going through the trouble of trying to make the relationship work better? Give them that reassurance. “Tell her about it” –Billy Joel.

That’s the big three. If you can apply those to your relationship you’re on your way I think. There are some other little things.

Is it live or is it Memorex? A psychologist once explained this idea to me. When we have a history of abuse or betrayal or … whatever, we become less trusting, more jittery. Sometimes a person can push a switch, emotionally or mentally and we’re back in that old place. For example a woman that has been abused may accuse a later boyfriend or something of being abusive for reasons to her that seem perfectly well founded but to the other person and to others makes no sense. It’s possible the guy was abusive. I mean it wouldn’t be the first time that some guy roughed up a girl right, and the other way around? But if the guy did the wrong action, touched her wrong, whatever, suddenly that reel from the past, of the old abuse starts rolling in the head and they are there. They are seeing a movie of the past mentally and you’re in it somehow. Be supportive of this person, listen to them and know that really there’s nothing you can do, they need to get some help, which is generally not a bad thing.

It’s funny, we all would like help with work and relationships but we have this stigmatism about getting help mentally or emotionally. Meanwhile we have one of the most abused populations coming up and none of them willing to get counseling, which ought to just perpetuate an abusive cycle. Sometimes I worry about our futures. I think the reluctance comes from some belief that if you go for counseling there’s something wrong with you, but really it could mean that there’s something right with you. I had a friend, she was abusive to her boyfriends and would get angry for no reason that I could see. I felt horrible when I told her I couldn’t hang out with her anymore. It turned out she had a chemical imbalance which a psychiatrist diagnosed and started treating. She and I talk once again and get along much better. When you’re sick you go to a doctor, and the help you. Well when you don’t feel so good up in the brain, why don’t we go to the doctor?

Well that covers the major advice, the repetitious stuff. Boys and girls take care of each other. Be good to each other, and make it your highest mission not to hurt yourself or others.

Everything I’ve said could be wrong.